Developing meaningful sibling relationships

Sibling relationships can be some of the most difficult to develop into strong, lasting, and meaningful relationships. You live in close contact with one another, you have to deal with rivalries and like situations, you are often forced into bonds with someone you may have never been friends with otherwise. Additionally, it can be difficult to get a good relationship going if you are older or younger than your sibling. There is hero-worship, the annoying younger sibling, or any number of other things that affect the way a sibling relationship develops. The following are some tips for developing a meaningful sibling relationship:

1. Spend time together. A lot of the times siblings live in the same house, and maybe eat dinner with each other over the same table, but when it comes to actual quality time together, many siblings are lacking. So, you have to make some plans to spend time together. You can sit at home on the couch to watch a movie together, or you can go out and do something together. Either way, spend some time.
2. Get to know them beyond the walls of the house. We often get to know our siblings in the context of the home, which can mean no love lost. You fight over chores, over items, and over attention, which is not something you do with friends because you do not have to share a bedroom, bathroom, or parent with your friends. So, plan some times when you can get out and have fun where yours, mine, and ours are not an issue.
3. Rely on one another. One of the biggest benefits of being siblings is having that bond that means you get to rely on one another, and that you have an unconditional type love. So, one of the best ways to develop meaningful relationships is to actually cash in on that, and rely on one another when you need to. Whether it is covering for each other to the parents, or knowing that they will spot you so can afford the movie for the weekend, or something more serious, rely on each other, and be reliable, and you will find a meaningful relationship comes much easier.
4. Play together. How do you bond with anyone, or create meaningful relationships with anyone? You do it by being together and having fun together. If you have a crazy fun experience, you will be able to draw from that when you hit some bad times, or need a friendship boost.
5. Talk, talk, talk. One of the greatest ways to develop meaningful sibling relationships is to talk. Talk about your goals, fears, loves, hates, etc. Make a habit of catching up daily, and checking on one another. This will help you stay connected, and know where you stand with each other.
Sibling relationships can be a lot of fun, especially because if you develop a good relationship it is like always being with your best friends.

Discovering parentage

These days families are always a bit confusing, and complicated. There are mixed families, adoptions, single-parents, foster families, and more. The variables are a big part of relationships being what they are. So, how do your relationships change if an adopted child, or an abandoned child discovers their true parentage? Discovering parentage can be a difficult experience, especially for the child and often for the parents.

The first thing to consider when it comes to discovering parentage is why parentage was unknown. Sometimes children are put up for adoption because the mother was single and could not handle the responsibility. Sometimes they are the product of a heinous situation, such as rape. Sometimes the parents are not capable of dealing with a child, sometimes there is death, or other circumstances. No matter the situation, there is usually a reason parentage is not known. Secrets can fester, and bad feelings can grow. So, when seeking out your parentage, find out if there was a good reason you were not told who your biological parents were. If it is a matter of your parents using an agency, and everything being handled anonymously, that is one thing, but if it is a secret, it might be best not to figure it out. Consider the consequences of unearthing a secret that has been buried for a long time.
The second thing to consider is why the child wanted to know the actual parentage in the first place. The reasons for wanting to know your biological parentage can range from needing to know your medical history, or needing a donor of something like a kidney, to simply wanting to discover yourself. What is your reason? If it is a matter of personal curiosity it is one thing. If you are suffering from a rare disease and need information about it, that is quite another. So, always ask yourself why, and what the consequences of those reasons may be.
The third thing to consider is what, if anything, will change by knowing your parentage. There are always consequences to asking questions. Find out if your life is going to be any better or worse for knowing, and what about the lives of others. Will knowing your parentage make any significant difference. Is knowing your parentage going to help you find closure? Is it going to mean seeking out your parent and spending money to track them down? You have to know if it is worth it, and what the consequences might be.
Discovering parentage can be a great way to find closure to something, or it can be a way of opening big wounds and problems. When seeking your true parentage, consider the feelings of your non-biological parents, and how they must feel at being in a sense "replaced" by someone who gave you up. Be careful that your need for answers does not jeopardize the relationships you have.

Loaning money to family

Loaning money to family spells trouble. The fact is, most people agree that while you may have a decent experience with loaning money to family, it is really never a good idea. Money has the power to get in the way of good relationships. It can cause resentment if it is not paid back. It can cause guilt that leads to isolating yourself because you aren't paying someone back, etc. So, with that said, the following are a few rules for loaning money to family.

1. Do not loan money that you can't live without. When you give a family member a loan, consider it a gift. That way if you get paid back, you will be pleasantly surprised. If you loan money to a family member with the expectation of getting it back, you are often setting yourself up for disappointment, which means that you will not be happy with them, and it may cause some problems with the relationship, and the relationships in your family.
2. Do not loan sums over $10,000. It is permissible to gift up to 10,000 to someone without it becoming a tax issue. So, when you "loan" someone money, do not lend over that amount, unless they are paying interest, otherwise, you could be in trouble with the IRS, as could they.
3. If it is an actual loan, it needs to have a contract and terms of repayment. Have a lawyer draw it up so that it is all done properly, and make sure that the terms are as clear as possible. So, if you expect a certain payment amount monthly, specific the date, late fees if they do not pay on time. If you do make up an actual loan, you have to make sure that like a bank, you check their ability to make repayment. The thing that is hard is when you do not get paid. If you expect it, and they don't there are going to be personal feelings involved. Them not paying you may take something away from your family. They may feel the same, that if they do pay you, you are taking something away from their family that they would not have the money for otherwise.
If someone in your family needs help financially, consider other ways to help them besides a loan. Maybe you can watch their child so that they can work more hours, or maybe you can make them some meals, so that they do not have to buy groceries, etc. Find ways to help that you are comfortable with, and that do not leave you at risk, and your relationship in jeopardy. Sure, you may not love babysitting for free, but it is better than giving them money from your child's education fund, or something else, and never seeing that money again. So, find a solution you can be comfortable with.

Making stepchildren feel accepted

When you have a family that is made up of stepchildren, and not first spouses, then it takes a little extra work to make your family feel like a true family. Sometimes it is easier to do the "your kids" versus "my kids" thing, but the fact is, it is better for the kids to feel accepted by both parents and have a complete family. So, what can you do to make stepchildren feel accepted?

Try the following:
1. Ask them to call you mom or dad. It is true that your stepchildren may not want to, and that it may feel awkward for them, but they are going to feel as though they are accepted if you ask them to do that. Do not force the issue, or try to replace their actual parent, but by letting them know you want to be there for them in the same way a parent would, they will feel far more accepted.
2. Treat them the same way you treat your kids. Do not show them special favor, or spoil your kids and not them, etc. Treating them differently in any way is going to make them feel like there is something different or wrong with them. No one wants to be treated differently than others, even if they like the perks of being treated better, they yearn to be treated the same. If you treat them equally to how you treat your kids, it will be as though they are your own, and that the true parentage really does not matter because you are making a go of creating a family out of the pieces of broken marriages.
3. Plan "family" activities. Help your stepchildren accepted by spending time with them as a family. Go on family vacations, have family nights, and do other family activities to reinforce the idea that you are a family, even if it is not a conventional one.
4. Love them. If you want to make your stepchildren feel accepted, they need to actually be accepted. It can be difficult to do this, especially if they are different from your own children, not as cute, if they have weird personalities, etc. However, your marriage and family will struggle if you can't find a way to accept and love your stepchildren as if they were your own. So, make efforts to focus on their positive attributes.
5. Be thoughtful when it comes to them. It is no easier for them to accept you as it is for you to accept them. So, remember their age, and that they may blame you for their family not being the same, and forgive that for the immaturity that it is. Instead, show them thoughtfulness and concern, whether they deserve it or not.
Making your stepchildren feel accepted is going to make your life better, and theirs. So, make the efforts, and wade through the difficult times together. Do what you can to help them accept you as well, no matter what age they are, or who they are. The more accepted they feel, the better off you both are.

Green Dancing: Repertory Dance Theatre

Repertory Dance Theatre’s Green Maps create intuitive layouts of the community.

 Nathan Shaw

Posted // May 5,2010 -

When looking at maps, some simply see static icons. Linda Smith, Repertory Dance Theatre (RDT) executive director, sees a springboard for dance—swirling, moving and alive. After all, that’s what artists and dancers do: create a deeply resonating language by filling a void and transcending life’s ordinary rigmarole.

Admittedly, these particular icons are beautifully rendered by Green Mapping Systems. Green Maps are a tool for folks to intimately know their community—not only by seeing, but experiencing it, by charting eco-friendly or eco-detrimental points. In using the icons, Green Map makers must register for free, thus joining a resource pool of collective wisdom—more than 600 cities and counties are mapped thus far. RDT wants to enhance it by creating a corresponding dance language for each icon.

The idea for a Green Map of Salt Lake County was hatched during planning for the 2002 Olympic Winter Games but died without support. However, Smith knew it would be a perfect fit for RDT. Founded in 1966, RDT is a modern-dance company with an affinity for developing arts-in-education programs—including performances, classes and workshops—to heighten students’ perceptions of art and enrich their lives. So, it’s no surprise RDT is inviting schools, from fourth to 12th grade, to help create the maps. Sure, a few dedicated staff could knock out a map in a couple of months, but, Smith says, for the youth, it’s the process that’s important.

When making the maps, students gather firsthand knowledge about each point of interest—for example, green buildings, recycling facilities, mining operations, bike routes, wetlands, justice and activism, etc.—which are matched and labeled with icons and supplemental, written information. As a static map is compiled, it’s eventually printed (RDT hopes to have one within a year or two), with a regularly updated online version. Users of the maps may vary widely—government, locals, tourists, environmental/advocacy groups and more. Additionally, RDT will offer instructional classes on various sustainability components to participating schools, along with teaching the corresponding dance language. Currently, they’ve identified 30 interested schools in Salt Lake County, with continuing efforts to find more.

New York City-based choreographer Svi Gothheimer, along with composer Scott Killinan and nine RDT dancers, have helped create the corresponding dance language to, so far, 12 icons. Using those as building blocks, they performed a series of sketches at their October 2009 Elements: Earth, Air, Fire, Water performance. The final “Green Map” dance piece will be RDT’s Spring 2011 performance.

RDT dancer Nick Cenbese was initially assigned to create a dance from the “Wetlands” icon. The result moves from seemingly swatting flies away from his face and ends with undulating arms, as if a pond’s surface were being blown by wind. “Svi wanted there to be a mystery, some ambiguity to what people will see onstage—they can create their own meaning,” Cenbese says.

RDT’s goal of incorporating dance into Green Maps creates an opportunity to take something literal and transform it into an esoteric, ephemeral form, embodied in movement, then embedded in participants’ mind and muscles. “The dance side of it gives us an opportunity to reach out to people, giving them a different way to experience sustainable thinking— some people don’t like to think outside of the sciences,” says Cenbese.

Smith says theirs is the first Green Map incorporating dance. She demonstrated the dance for “Recycling” at the RDT office. It mimics drinking a beverage, stomping the can flat, picking it up, swiveling the shoulder in a circle, then the whole arm and bringing it around the back, and, lo, emerges another can; the process repeats on the left side.

“One of the most valuable ways to extend learning is when [students] put it into their bodies, through movement, dancing, singing, acting or drawing pictures,” says Carol Goodson, fine arts specialist for the Utah State Office of Education, “Plus, it enlivens the spirit.” The office is helping disseminate information about the program to schools countywide.

Last year, RDT launched a pilot program at Judge Memorial High School with dance and English classes. English teacher Elaine Peterson participated by assigning her students to research a point of interest within a five-mile radius of the school. Each student wrote a reflection essay afterward and learned several dances. Peterson enjoys and respects the project’s multi-genre approach and would like to see students write and perform essays, poems or narratives onstage along with the movements. “My students actually learned a bit about dance. ... They were able to see how words translate through physical movement, and they loved that connection and the kinesthetic form of learning,” Peterson says.

Ririe-Woodbury: Momentum

Alumni dance performance returns

With the arrival of the arts season each fall comes yet another opportunity to be inspired anew, to reinvigorate that drive that had you creating in the first place. For the producing duo behind the Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company alumni show Momentum, the annual turning of the calendar presents another choice altogether: Do they once again, now for the fifth year running, stage the modern-dance performance that was originally meant to be only a one-off reunion event?

When Juan Carlos Claudio and Jill Voorhees Edwards decided to produce the first Momentum with fellow alumnus John Allen, neither of them had any dream that it would become a tradition. Their goal was simply to produce a concert providing them with a creative forum, while simultaneously reuniting other alumni, essentially giving everybody a chance to present work and perform. “It was Joan [Woodbury, co-founder of RWDC with Shirley Ririe] that came to us and told us that we had to keep doing it,” Edwards says. “She was just super supportive, and when you have someone like her saying you have to continue doing this, and virtually handing it over to you, you can’t say no.”

As the years have ticked by—never short of participants angling to join in on the fun—the trick has become changing things up to keep the creative momentum going. In the second year, 2008, they brought in a big gun with Keith Johnson and added on to the evening’s name with Untold Stories. In 2009, performances were Elevated, while 2010 dropped the addendum monikers altogether. What has stayed the same, though, is that Momentum has always been curated with the ambition of producing a cutting-edge, evening-length performance with a little bit of help from all those RWDC friends.

This year, besides spotlighting work by alumni such as Chia-Chi Chiang and Liberty Valentine, as well as current company member Jo Blake, the focus shifts toward including a trio of dancers experiencing that limbo state between academia and professional careers. Enter handpicked works from the likes of Heather Nielsen (Utah Valley University BFA), Mallory Rosenthal (University of Utah BFA) and Elizabeth Stich (University of Utah MFA) to spice the evening with a bit of the up and coming.

Rosenthal’s piece, which was her senior thesis, is titled Actual Script. According to the recent graduate, the work began as an exploration into that tenuous relationship between the fields of dance and writing. For her, right before making that brave jump into the cutthroat environs of New York City, such a break is unparalleled. “I’m very excited to be a part of the Momentum show this year,” Rosenthal adds. “Being a young [and professionally inexperienced] choreographer can be difficult considering how little funding is available, so I was incredibly grateful to be given the opportunity to show my work alongside such accomplished and beautiful choreographers and dancers.”

For his part, in 2010, Claudio choreographed in tribute to four of his favorite female dancers, Pina Baush (1940-2009), Tandy Beal, Margie Gillis and Carolyn Carlson. This year, he has upped the game by accepting an invitation to perform a piece by Beal herself, someone whom he considers a “superb friend, a mentor and, at times, a confidant”—not to mention a longtime supporter of RWDC. The plan is to excerpt a solo from an evening-length work of Beal’s titled Nightlife, with the hope of perhaps doing the entire piece in the near future. As for Edwards, her contribution includes the piece Forging the Current, inspired by the heart. She noted that it is this unique show that has allowed her the freedom and time to flesh out such an idea.

According to Claudio, that is precisely what Momentum is about: possibilities. “Not only for me to present my work, but for others who have worked so hard, some who have their dance degrees, and rather than dancing and creating are forced to spend their days working at nonartistic jobs.” Yes, he says, “initially, it was born out of the interest to gather Ririe-Woodbury Dance Company alumni for a weekend, in order to provide an outlet and re-introduce former dancers back into the Salt Lake City dance scene.” But, he reiterates, over the past five years, it has become much more than that.

Therein lays the magic behind the seemingly perpetual motion of Momentum: So many dancers and choreographers come through the ranks, move on and then return to Salt Lake City, that the show can seemingly go on and on. Even though both Edwards and Claudio admit to struggling each year with that choice to continue, they will also readily admit to already thinking about all the fruitful years to come.

“With the big anniversary of the company [RWDC’s quickly approaching golden],” Claudio says, “I know we can make Momentum even more exciting than the past five years. All we have to do is wait.”

Scotty VerMerris-Professional Skier

Scotty VerMerris shares the tunes that get him pumped for extreme skiing.

Scotty VerMerris—professional skier, team manager and Utah sales rep for Coloardo-based ski manufacturer Icelantic Boards—puts on Skull Candy headphones and rocks out while front-flipping off 60-foot cliffs. A firecracker with skis, VerMerris faces fear without hesitation and has the injuries to prove it: broken femur, broken ankle, split cartilage under the patella— that’s just the left leg. His season (and nearly his career) ended last year with that broken femur, but music expedited his rehabilitation. “The brain heals with the body. Uplifting messages and beats helped me cognitively recover,” says VerMerris. Now he is training for the Subaru U.S. Freeskiing Championship at Snowbird in March. His passion is contagious: “Skiing fuels my desire for adrenaline, simultaneously, meeting my psychological needs of power, control, freedom, and belonging. It’s a life opportunity to continually grow; it’s experiential education.” Currently, he’s focusing on the aesthetics of skiing—line and terrain. Still, he launches daring tricks like a Misty 9 now and then.

Growing up in Ohio, an unlikely place to propagate a pro skier, VerMerris was the kid leaving race practice to build ramps and jumps. Deciding at an early age to move west, he landed at Colorado State to study human development. After graduation, he undertook a job as counselor at a wilderness-based clinical therapy program, taking root in Salt Lake City and falling in love with the Wasatch, where his freestyle and big-mountain skills developed. After antagonizing Icelantic reps at a party and skiing with founder Ben Anderson in 2004, he turned a hobby into a career by landing a key sponsorship.

Icelantic Boards is all about creativity, design, and art. Next year’s product line is especially geared toward music lovers— perfect for a skier with melomania.

VerMerris stays busy, filling up even more time by becoming hands-on in creating action-sport videos, as the featured skier and producer. How does he squeeze his projects in? “All the passionate people I am surrounded by are keeping me here in Utah,” he says.

I talked with VerMerris during a break while he moved his home from Emigration Canyon to Sugar House. “Now, I won’t be such a homebody. I can get out, and get more connected to the community,” he says. However, he definitely has a presence in the Wasatch. Having a special affinity for Snowbird and Alta, accomplishing a majority of filming there, he is known to frequent The Goldminer’s Daughter with locals and friends.

Beyond skiing, VerMerris sails and races with the Park City Sailing Association, the fastest growing fleet in the country, and is vying for head sailing instructor of the burgeoning Junior Sailing Program this upcoming summer.

Whether recovering from injuries or skiing, VerMerris mainly listens to reggae and hip-hop because they are positive and meditative: “It fuels my inspiration. The universal themes are applicable, such as battling adversity and celebrating times that are good. This is what professional skiing is all about.” At home, he listens to jazz, blues, or even classical.

In his fearless fashion, VerMerris was up to the iPod shuffle challenge. Fourteen gigs of music, and no peeking at the line, no specking out the landing for this jump—just pointing and shooting for some powder shots. Afterward, he said, “My iPod’s being really cool right now. I was expecting the worst.”